Besides, masyado na akong matanda para maging biktima ng peer pressure.

I also bought two books. One is A Scanner Darkly, written by Philip K. Dick. I have not read a book of his and maybe it’s time.

I just noticed how often it is that 1 Corinthian 13‘s verse “Through a Glass, Darkly” seem to be used in a lot of media. I remember an episode of Daria and a Jostein Gaarder title paying homage to it.

Also, I bought Unwritten, a graphic novel. Since Gaiman‘s The Sandman, I have been cautious not to buy any serialized books but this one has a “1″ in the spine. So this leaves me no choice but to complete the series, or not. Hahaha! It is a nice read, but not the type of thing I am much interested in, because The Sandman IS good! great! better! the best! And I am not just acting like a fan boy, but because it is one freaking good comic series.

So in light of this wonderful opportunity, yesterday’s better-than-expected salary payout, and the extra day of not working in addition to two rest days, I bought DVDs. The most recent Naruto volume I could find. I have not seen Naruto for over a year, and I miss him; and 24 Season 1, for my parents who cannot seem to get enough of Jack Bauer.

I also bought some more DVDs. I got Batman Begins, because Meow has not seen it; Run Lola Run, because I heard it’s a good movie; Dogma, I liked it when I was in college; The Devil Wears Prada, because Meow liked the book; Taxi, because I want to see it again and I miss Luc Besson;   The Book of Eli, because I was not able to see the movie, and we wanted to see it then; and Contact, I have seen it, liked it, bought the book, liked it too, so I want a copy for myself.

I need to run errands as well. And I made a promise to myself to write. I will write about so many things.

Hopefully, I get to finish all of them. Starting today, I will try to save up. I won’t be buying anything anytime soon.

I think I am actually doing Neil (like close?) a favor. I am sure that most people there are spoiled rich kids who are not real fans, a bunch of people who just participated because they can just tell people that they were there. I deserve to be there; hence, I am broke. So, I decided that I should spend some money on comic books. I have most of his books already, darn! At least Fully Booked is stocked with a selection of items I still don’t have.

I decided to buy The Tragical Comedy or Comical Tragedy of Mr. Punch, The Books of Magic and Odd and the Frost Giants (which I gave Meow in celebration of our 23rd month-sary).

I read the two earlier works as soon as I got home.

The Book of Magic, whose cover is reminiscent of Harry Potter, not really a spoof because it came out earlier than JK Rowling’s. The similarities ends with wizardry and the glasses. He is poised to be the greatest wizard of his generation. Assisted by four guys in trench coats, that includes the Phantom Stranger and John Constantine  (yes, Keannu Reeves in the movie) . He is brought to choose whether he wants science or magic, and good or evil. He travels in time to the past (right from creation, to the present where he meets the most powerful magicians in the DC universe, to Fairyland (Faerie) where Morpheus (The Sandman) has a bit role and Titania (think Queen from Midsummer Night’s Dream), and to the future (up to the part where the world ends).

It was good, not really focusing on his tutelage as a magic practitioner, but with what magic is all about. I guess I love magic too. Hehehe. This reminds me of a time while looking in Mentalism, I thought I was really gonna be taught of concentrating to read minds or bending things with the power of your mind, not thgat I think I have the persistence to pursue that. I ended up with an ebook on how to dupe people, a disappointment.

Moving on. Just thinking out loud.

Mr. Punch is a book of a different kind, not really something that I’d call fantasy or read to my kids younger than seven (or even thirteen). It is dark, it talked about death, insanity and the twisted things in life, unseen and interpreted from the eyes of a child. It is a story of one summer with a boy’s grandparents, with the Punch and Judy puppet show (apparently the puppet show did exist and takes roots from the 16th century) on the backdrop of it all. In the end, Mr. Punch for the boy represented many bad memories.

It’s at least good to know the purchases I made are worth it, I still think that the promotion was still bad. Paano naman ang mga mahihirap na fans na walang trabaho?

Bad-tempered at first, I then got lost in the world of fantasy and enjoyed reading about Merlyn’s wisdom, Queen Morgause of Lothian and her other enchanted sisters, of the Old Ones and the early years of Arthur’s rule.

I think life would have been less complicated without technology. You don’t need to everyday check your email or see updates from your so-called friends whose interaction with you is reduced to “lols” and “:)” in social networking websites. You find more crap on the Internet than the extensive knowledge already there.

You then toil at work, doing a job that you don’t like, to save money in anticipation of the iPad.

Then, you go to libraries to search for information, manually sorting books to find the more useful ones. I used to be very good at that in High School. I am not only good; I think I could have been an expert in it. I am not sure if I can still do that now.

Two days ago, I received a hand-written letter from Meow, a deeply emotional one. The past two months we were attacking each other nastily on email and chat. Her letter was heartfelt, and I was touched, maybe because there is more labor on writing on paper. Now we’re better, and I promised I’ll find a way to work it out.

Technology: Internet, Cable TV, cellphones take us away from other beautiful things like literature, art, from all things beautiful like the fresh air or smelling the flowers (seriously), even in the scorching heat of Manila.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate technology. I keep a blog on my own domain, but sometimes I wonder….

I once took a Facebook quiz on which literary character you are, it came out with Holden Caulfield. Nak ng –!I am not like Holden Caulfield. It killed me. Do I strike you to be the type of guy who complains a lot, and has all this angst against the world? I am not like that! Do you see me complaining that way?!

Okay.

I read The Catcherwhen, I think, I was in college. I was young but not that young that I have already a good grasp of who I am, which is probably one of the reasons that the book did not hit me as hard as others. I liked Franny and Zooey better.

It was the book that that guy who killed John Lennon was reading before the assassination.

I guess there were several things I liked about the book. It captured a part of that angry time in your youth. Also, Holden may be a consistent whiner who insult people a lot but he still does the right thing, and in the end he felt he was in that field catching those falling off the cliff. I remember the intense emotions when I was reading the book toward the end. That I still remember.

O Holden, you are a stupid smart-ass.

We will remember Mr. Salinger.

There are rumors that the elusive writer left a safe with lots of unpublished stories. I will probably wait for those if they do come out, and if indeed, there is….

I am glad that I was able to read books again. I think it’s been months since last I was able to read books.

I was able to finish Carl Hiaasen’s Hoot. Funny book. No, it was a hilarious book that had one of the things I like — weird characters. I always enjoy a book with weird (or damaged, either one) characters.

While waiting for Meow last Sunday, I dropped by NBS. Again, di ko napigilan ang aking sarili at napabili ako ng graphic novel ulit. Yung Madame Xanadu: Vol.1 Disenchantment.

I was torn between that or Mr. Punch (by one of my favorite writers) but because I felt the need for something else, I chose Madame X. LOL.

There are times while reading the Xanadu novel that she got vey annoying but she learned her lesson in the ending well… while it lacked the luster that I was hoping. Pwede na. The art was really nice.

Going to Hoot. That book was funny. And because I love animals, I’d higly recommend it. It has lots of quirky, interesting people.. and like I keep on saying, it is funny. It was intended to be a children’s book but I still think it’s good even for an adult. I think Roy’s dilemma still applies to all of us.

Now currently reading Uncle Petros and Goldbach’s Conjecture  by Apostolos Doxiadis. It’s interesting yes. I have been into light reading lately.

Everytime I read a good book, I feel I want to be a writer. Yup. I think I could be a writer, not a good one but a writer nonetheless. There’s plenty of mediocre writers out there like Aling Stephenie (the world likes) and Kuya Bob (that Filipinos love) who capture what the masses (who appears to have not read many quality books in their lives) want, hence, becomes successful.

So I can be a mediocre writer, and hopefully be rich. Hahaha!

I hate going to work. My shift now starts at 9 a.m., parang normal na tao. I hate waking  early when I am able to sleep. I hate the traffic.

So here I am. I tried to catch on my reading. And so many of the books I have, I still haven’t finished.

Last weekend, I saw Fight Club again. I don’t recall liking it that much when I first saw it (but I did like it). I guess I liked it more because I understood how it is like to be going to work and being there half conscious like a zombie. I am really having problems looking for the book.

This is one of my favorite movies now.  One of the few movies where I actually like Brad Pitt (if ever there was one).

I am a bit inspired to let go of my luxuries but I then realized that I don’t have much (ewan ko ba kung bakit iniisip nilang maluho ako) kung tutuusin.

I bought Snuff, a book by the same author who wrote Fight Club. It’s kinda amusing in Palahniuk’s typical style of making it weird and at times disturbing only to have a realization in the end that it’s a bit of a misunderstanding and all is sweet (if you think that necrophilia is sweet and being electrocuted alive).
I may reveal some plots here but I won’t give you the ending.

An aging porn star is retiring and wants to end it by breaking records of fucking 600 men. The book moves along in the perspective of three men and the young smartass talent wrangler (she’s the one with the clipboard making sure that all goes smoothly as those men are cramped, smelly, in a room).

There’s Mr. 600, another aging porn star who wants to do porn actress a favor.

We have No. 72, a young man who came in with roses, with a striking resemblance to 600 and aging porn actress.

We have now 137. The more observant character, not necessarily wise and I found most annoying. He then speculates that No. 72 is porn actress’s son. No 72 thinks so as well, was told by his foster parents that he indeed is her son.

He was really there to save porn actress. No. 600 says that he should continue fucking his mother because it is her last gift for him.

It was porn actress’ plan to die in the f*ckfest so that sales go up for all her work leaving her abandoned child filthy rich.

I will stop there now,  if in case you’d like to read the book. Gave too much info already.

———

I am really hungry now. No food to eat. Hope somebody wakes up now.

I was thinking twice about going there but I cannot help myself. I got  free comic book, not the type that cost much but is fine since it’s free. There is a 20% discount for all graphic novels. I took the opportunity to buy three books. I am now finally able to complete the Sandman series with Preludes and Nocturnes, the first volume that I was able to purchase and read last. Also bought the Dead Boy Detectives and V for Vendetta (I was always planning to buy that but never did due to economic and availability reasons).

I end up with little money now.

Neil Gaiman’s work for the first volume, I expected less. I was told that the art on it was unimpressive but you know what? I kinda appreciate it. It’s not that bad. And the story was still really good, it is amazing how the first volume really gave clues to the events to follow. It has Dream mistakenly captured (instead of Death) by some thantophobic old man. He was imprisoned and the Dream world collapses. He escapes and he rebuilds his world again.

The Dead Boy Detectives, a spin-off from The Sandman, was fun as well. We have Edwin Payne and Charles Rowland doing detective work. Very Casper-Hardy Boys-Buffy-like theme. I am not sure if it’s for kids but it’s really cute. I normally wouldn’t read a Sandman story if it was not written by Gaiman but this was pleasantly nice. Beside the ghost detectives, it has Mad Hettie and Hob Gadling (one of the most memorable characters for me in Vertigo).  The duo try to uncover who is behind the series of disappearing children who appear dead and dried (yes, dried!) days later.

I will finish Alan Moore’s V for Vendetta today.

I’d like to buy a whole outfit like this!

——————

In a different bookstore that sells cheap books, my girlfriend showed me erotica books by Anais Nin. I decided to buy it now, my life has been too filled up by fantasy, it would be nice to read something more realistic, I  then bought erotica. Hahaha!  After settling down, she browsed the book that I bought aptly titled Little Birds. She leafed through the pages, in a nostalgic trance, and giggled like a school girl, something that DOES NOT HAPPEN. It’s kinda adorable.

Anyway, I brought the book at work and I realize, it’s not something you read between calls. Reading the book, it is evident that it really is written by a woman. It’s not to say a man could not appreciate it. It’s beautifully written but did not have the directness nor the crudeness that most men have when writing about sex (or maybe it was written in an earlier part of the last century).

—————–

I was looking at myself, naked, in a big mirror, something I don’t really do. My weight never really bothered me much the past months. Meowy does not really seem bothered by it as well, so I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind. I realize that I am scary, I was disurbed myself by how I look. No wonder my college friends want to feed me. I saw a friend a few weeks ago who haven’t seen me in months and she seem  really concerned about how skinny I was. I have always been skinny but not as skinny as I am now.

I look literally like a matchstick man, long wiry limbs, big head and all. I have very little meat in my body. From now on, I will lessen the cigarettes, sleep and eat more despite the fatigue and cut down on alcohol. Am not intending to get fat but I wanna look less like a refugee. I kinda scared myself.

Or I could just stop looking at myself in the mirror.

I should not expect too much. I always get disappointed.

I still feel tired and hardly slept last night. Stupid shift changes…

I told myself that I will spend less but I am still weak. I can’t help myself.

We were in the bookstore, I found this box labeled Rudraksha, I was wondering what’s in it. It was heavy, if you shake it, I can hear chimes. It was on sale and 90% was slashed from its original Php 1,000+++. Being the impulsive consumer that I am, despite my tight budget, I bought it.

I opened it and found smelly reddish beads stringed together like a large necklace. I later learned that Rudraksha came  from trees and you can gain spiritual wisdom (sabi ng pamphlet), so I thought this was better than buying other bead necklaces. I don’t know if it is authentic. Pampalakas pa daw ng chakra! Parang si Naruto lang di ba? The chiming sounds came from a bell that came with the box. I still need to inspect it, it has other stuff in it like a yellow scarf with Indian design on it, incense sticks and holder, other stuff that I cannot make out. I should read the booklet soon. I will do some serious meditating on Saturday when we check in the hotel.

My girlfriend thought it looks nice as a bracelet coiled several times when I am wearing a nice T-shirt. I think it makes me look like a spiritual rocker. Something that I am not! The website says it should not be worn as a bracelet.

Oh, well.

I wore it today as a necklace under my sweatshirt, it left a yellowish stain on my tees.

I also bought Robert A. Heinlein’s The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. I have read his short stories and loved some of them. Sorry, Chuck Palahnuik. Next time na lang kita bibilhin.

I am reading a graphic novel adapted from Macbeth. Shakespeare was really ahead of his time. The art itself may not be that impressive but the story staying true to the original was enough to make it a fine read.

I wish that I can be able to make time to read. Maybe a month dedicated to catch on my reading, serious reading. That would be in a comfortable, quaint little house where the temperature is nice and cool. I would like that. Very much. Not working for a month… that sounds too good to be true. Ain’t gonna happen.

Past my head, out of my brain, past the metal wall of the FX taxi, up to the sky and it is only I that see it.

You flew away and your long beautiful tail feathers sparkled at the bright orange setting sun. And you come back flying to me. And if birds smile, I think you did, yes, you did. And you retreated just a few feet away from me.

Unlike the mechanical nightingale, you are alive and you sang beautiful songs. And now you leave me.

At least I am not taking drugs.

Something running across my mind, there are all these ideas in my head. My ability to put ideas into words, I admit, is a bit limited.

When I was young, I know I am a bit weird. I tend to zone out. I still do. I have stories inside my head. It feels like I am hallucinating but I am not, sometimes, it feels unhealthy. It makes me happy.

Friends told me I should write. But what do they know? I still doubt my ability.

I do not like waste.

I just finished a short story. It’s my girlfriends favorite. It made her cry when she first read it. I dunno, I still have doubts but…

But I am finally doing it. I am gonna work hard for this. Come what may, I will have no regrets.

I knew I should try and I am trying. If all else fails, the claws of the corporate world awaits and there is always the BPO industry… for now.

Naisipan ko magpakalbo ulit. Sabi nila bagay. Mula nang magsara yung dati kong barber, iniiwasan ko magpagupit. Dapat kasi sa akin ay low-maintenance kasi tamad ako mag-ayos ng buhok. So goodbye bad hair days, goodbye hair!

I have this weird superstition. Minamalas ako for the rest of the month pagkatapos ko magpakalbo. I have expelled much of my superstitious beliefs when I was in college but was revived again due to a bunch of coincidentally unfortunate events.

That’s why nagpakalbo ako ng 31st, inisip ko if kalbo ako 9 hours before the month’s end, there will be less probability of getting major bad luck compared sa pagpapakalbo sometime in the middle or the beginning of the month. Sabi ko nga weird superstition.

———-

II

Kilala nyo si Amalthea?  Minsan nakaka-relate ako sa kanya. Lalo na lately. May eksena sa The Last Unicorn (kung saan bida si Amalthea), na nagtataka sya kung nasaan sya. Well, medyo self-absorbed si Amalthea. Kaya nga naiintindihan ko sya. Minsan natutulala ako sa trabaho.

Where am I? I knew a while ago but I forgot. I am here to do something. Oh, yes. You are my coworker, and I am in a call center. We are doing Technical Support. I am here because I have plans, I think I know… But I am not so sure anymore. Is this real? Am I somebody else. I have this dream I am someone else.

This, I say in my mind. Ayoko mapagkamalan na baliw! Hahaha!

I used to have a fairly good sense of identity but lately, I am losing myself. More than I would allow myself to. Am I changing? I don’t want to.

Sya nga pala pag familiar kayo sa The Last Unicorn. Basahin nyo ang Two Hearts, coda nung book and movie. Heart-wrenching para sa akin pero love ko tulad ng book at movie. I feel your pain, Prince Lir!

———-

III

Nabasa ko yung Metamorphosis ni Franz Kafka. Isang araw nagising ang isang lalaki at isa na syang malaking kulisap na pinandidirihan at ikinahihiya ng mismong mga tao na pinaghirapan nyang bigyan ng magandang buhay. Letse! Mahilig ako sa tragedy pero di ko kaya. Namatay syang naghahanap ng pagmamahal!

I have to admit it’s beautifully written, I was prepared of that. Harrowing para sa akin. Di ako nakatulog nung gabing iyon, paano kung maging isa akong kulisap.