Last night I was drinking with my co-workers. I really don’t like drinking with people I am not very close to. Despedida yun ng katrabaho ko na lilipad na sa Amerika kaya nahiya naman akong di pumunta. We were drinking this concoction of vodka, sprite and Red Horse.
I was drinking, I drink a lot for somebody who doesn’t go out often. In a passing statement, I told a co-worker named Rhoda that even if she looks like a slut, she really isn’t. Maybe it was tactless, it was a passing statement, I do not want to blame what I said to my intoxication for what I said, I said something someone else says and I know that a lot of guys think the same way. And all hell broke loose.
Rhoda made a big deal out of it. In front of other people she told me that if I can’t say who said that, then it must be me who is thinking that way. I am never into name-dropping. And I hate the accusation that I am a gossip monger. I hardly talk to anybody at work except my friends. Except the past months when I tried so hard to be more sociable. She told me that I am creepy, that there are times that when I talk to her, that I am off. She wanted me to defend myself in front of all the people we were drinking with.
I am never into drama. I am not friends with all my co-workers. Yes, I can be tactless but I will not be the source of entertainment of these drunken people who aren’t my friends. Rhoda was one of the people I knew ever since I started at work, although we’re not friends, I treated her the same way as I treat people I am comfortable with, I say my thoughts no matter how weird it is. I hate it. I hate the situation, I told her to talk in private, she doesn’t want to. She wanted me to defend myself in front of all these people.
I was angry, I kept my mouth shut. I know myself, I am very sarcastic when I am angry and it would not be like a gentleman to go on a diatribe because once I talk, it will be hard for me to stop, besides the way I rationalize things, I am sure some of them will react differently. Ayoko na pahabain. I just kept my mouth shut. I am not sure if I made the right choice. I told all these to my friend Michelle who was sitting beside me. And I am happy she understands, and I guess that she knows me.
Michelle talked to her in the Ladies room. I don’t know if she believed her. I was angry. One of our coworkers, Rhoda’s friend told me that I should have name dropped. She said that Rhoda thinks that I have these dark thoughts about her. Masama kasi ako tumingin, and I admit, I really have a habit of doing that. Maybe it is uncomfortable for people but it’s something that I unconsciously do. I hate defending myself. Of all accusations, I don’t make up stories and if I do talk about sex, it is something that I am open with. I do not place any malice on any of the statements.
I tried so hard to fit in and I guess I will always carry this problem. I shouldn’t have talked. Silence is good. Silence even if misinterpreted, at least they wouldn’t have anything to hold against you. The reason I tried to do open up is coz my friend who’s been like me says that she has found a family from the people she has been working with.
Last night, in my room, alone, I cried, I can’t help it. If this happens every time I carry a conversation then I ought not to talk anymore. I don’t know if you guys understand. Last night I was trying to call the people who I know will understand me. Nobody’s answering their phone, no replies. Maybe because it was 3 AM. It may be petty for some of you, but for someone like me it’s hard. I did my best. I tried.
Sige dito na lang ako sa Internet. At least di ako ginaganito ng tao.
